yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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