the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
