my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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