I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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