so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
