dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
