I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We left the knife in your bed.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Randomize
