she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize