He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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