I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's shark week go big or go home
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
