I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Randomize
