Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
