Farmville is her only friend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
