someone get that fucking seahorse.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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