Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize