her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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