Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
