Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
