Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
