On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
