Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
