before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
