Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I will die if light touches me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
