My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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