Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Randomize