he told me I talked like a deaf person
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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