This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
