I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
