last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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