Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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