Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
