hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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