Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
its liver damage thursday
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
