but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
