From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
