And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
