I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
