Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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