dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
