mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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