Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
