i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
being pregnant is like rehab
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
