He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize