did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
