those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
