So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
