my soul wont recognize me after tonight
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The beer is more important than you right now.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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