god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
