I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
