my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
