Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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