I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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