He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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