When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize