So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
