new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
