So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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