hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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