She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
