I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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