I am midnight drunk by noon
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
