she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
