God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
