So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
